who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad she was horrid.
I think now, more than ever, I believe that's what I'm like in my friendships. When our friendship is in a good place I am the most fun, loyal and amazing person you could ever hope to meet. When its in a bad place even I don't want to be around me. I hate that it's like that, thankfully it doesn't happen particularly often.
I looked in the mirror this morning and thought to myself 'what the fuck are you even doing?' because even I can't understand my actions. I'm fighting so hard to keep something that I dont even want and in doing so I'm pushing away the one thing I do want. I thought I was smart enough to learn from my mistakes and yet here I am, still making them...at least I realised this time though. So join me, imaginary internet friends, lets recap and re evaluate and at the end of all this I'll tell you where I really stand. Who knows where that will be, I'm just writing whatever, I don't even know where this is going...exciting, right!?
1. At the end of the day, I'll get over it. Seriously, I know that above all else. I got over the others, I don't care who they sleep with or who they're dating, I hold no delusions about getting back together or some sneaky out of the blue happily ever after. I still love them, completely and utterly and forever, but its an uncomplicated 'these people are my friends and they are the world to me' kind of love. The kind of love that most of them are happy to return. This recent situation will end up like that too, I know it will I can feel it, so whats the point of prolonging the inevitable transition?
2. I dont even really care. Don't get me wrong, I like hooking up with people, but it's not even close to the top of my list of things that matter so why am I being such a little bitch about it? Take a look at yourself, me. You think this is the important part, but you know from first hand experience that it isnt. The important part was never the hooking up. The hooking up is just a side effect of the real value in all of this, and that value is the friendship. If I could slap myself I would, because somehow I decided that hooking up was the ultimate goal and it never was.
3. Living together wont define anything. I want to live together, I think it would be fun and I'd get to see an amazing friend a lot more frequently, but if we dont live together it's not the end of the world. I always do this, I get it in my head that one thing means another and so I fight it tooth and nail. A perfect example is when I got my new job, I was so sure that everything would fall apart but it didnt. It's almost exactly the same as it was before. Looking at it now I can see that I'm doing the same with moving in together. My brain decided that if we didnt move in together it meant we would never see each other, and maybe thats true, but more likely its not. Either way, its not something I can control, if it happens it happens, if not then it doesnt really matter.
4. Trust is really fucking hard. Having said that, I'm willing to take a leap of faith on anyone. Complete strangers, I will assume they're great people. I love the whole world. If I can do that, why can't I trust someone who has never given me a reason not to?
5. I don't see most of my friends every week. I hardly ever see clinton anymore, and that makes me sad and I miss him a lot, but I still count him as one of my best friends. I don't know why I made such a big deal out of that, I mean, I want to see my friends as much as possible, and Im always afraid of drifting apart, but its not the end of the world.
6. I deserve a happily ever after. It may not be now, or next month or next year, but I believe I am an amazing and caring person and eventually I'll find someone who sees that and doesnt want to let me go. How can I believe in soul mates and think theres no one for me. It doesnt make sense. Love is not the be all and end all of a happy life, I always talk about enjoying the now and trying to make the most of the moments we're in then I go and get all caught up in matters of the heart, which is a fraction of what life is about.
I dunno what else to talk about, theres a lot ive thought over in the last day or so, a lot i've questioned about myself and what im doing. It feels like my whole perspective has shifted and its kind of an exciting feeling. I know this is all words for now, it could all change in a moment like it has now, but I'll show myself through my actions that who I was last week is not at all who I am. I am happy and carefree and have amazing friends who love me. It's like a weight has been lifted from my chest and I actually feel like myself again.
Its good to be back
<3 mia.
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